ugh

all i want to do is sleep. i can't stop shaking and i feel like i'm going to throw up. i don't want to eat i don't want to do anything. i should revise for psychology as the exam is on tuesday but i just can't summon the motivation to get out of bed, open a psychology book and make my eyes clear enough to decipher the text which is jumping around on the page.

i woke up this morning and felt like i'd been punched in the stomach and my eyes which had finally managed to dry up just started going again and now won't stop. again. then i opened my laptop just to check facebook and rather than the usual wallpaper there was just one of florence and the machine. facebook made it all worse because i saw my relationship status and just burst into even more tears, because i don't even know if its true and if it is how much longer it will be. then theres the images stuck round my bed..i just wanna tear them down but i will regret it if i do. i just keep thinking of summer plans and then crying even harder because this is going to be yet another summer where what i want just can't happen because even if everything goes back to normal it won't really. we won't practically live together or go to the zoo or make music together. it just won't be the same. and i feel like i'm breaking into millions of tiny pieces.

theres this blog too. so many pictures of us just smiling or being odd or something and it was just two days ago that it was like that and now it's so uncertain and i don't know when or if things are going to change.

i asked my mum if we could go shopping today or something to take my mind off of it but she said no. so i'm just stuck at home all day.

thats the worst thing in a way because when i'm stuck at home on my own theres nothing to do but think then i end up wondering whether he's having fun without me. like last night i was wondering if he was at snatts with everyone having a laugh, and today wondering if he's having fun with jack in eastbourne. and tonight will be the worst because i know he'll be having the time of his life and i'm just going to be trying to hold it together.

i just want someone to give me a hug and tell me it will be ok but no one can do that because i don't know if it will all be ok :(

and cat in reference to your blog post thank you x.