29

hey.

i'm kati.

i don't really know who i am anymore.

on some levels i do, of course. but on many i don't. i feel really lost and confused because i've changed so much in the past year, the past month, the past week. i want to start again from the beginning of year 11. i'm so stressed because i realised how little i know and am now freaking out a little bit about failing my gcses. especially maths, i'm awful at maths.

but its more than that. i am always so scared of things changing or of no one caring anymore. i don't know how to explain things anymore and i don't know what to say. i always know what to say. but i don't anymore. to anyone.

i'm so scared that people will realise that they're better off without me. that they'll just cut me out in a similar fashion to mara. i'm so damn scared that they will realise that there is always someone better and i dont know how to be that person. and everyone has different points of view, so whats normal and sane to one person is complete craziness and a psychological condition to another.

everyone leaves at some point it seems to me. no one manages to stick around. cai, jenny, tanith..so so so many people. and even the ones who are still sort of around aren't really there. because they always find someone else and eventually stop talking, or they just think i'm crazy. and yeh maybe i am a little crazy but i don't want to be crazy.

i..i feel like i'm not worth sticking around for. i feel like people are going to realise that life without me is waaaay better, because when people leave they dont come back. space doesn't close up, ever. even with people like minna, we don't talk anymore. and maybe thats just part of growing up but i just wish it wasn't, i just wish i didn't feel so damn worthless most of the time.

22 days until exams are over. 22. 22 days is such a long time. thats over 3 weeks. thats almost a month.

i don't know what i'm talking about.

p.s: the picture? my mum bought me a cupcake but i was still too ill to eat it. looks goooood though. and i found a bright yellow microphone in the office, i don't know why we have a bright yellow microphone but i took it and its now in my desk drawer. he :)

day 29 - monday 31st may 2010.